A Near Relapse

Why can't I stay away?

I was starting to do good. 30 days. 40 days. A drop to 10 days. And now 5 days. I'm right back where I was a few months ago, when I couldn't stay clean for more than two weeks.

I didn't even have any desire to relapse, until the moment I moved to an area of the Internet where I shouldn't have been. I pulled out of each private chat before anything actually happened, but that doesn't erase the fact that I went there and put myself in a position to receive these dirty chats.

Why do I do this?

I know that it's wrong--but haven't I known that since the beginning? At times, my desire for this addiction is greater than my desire to overcome this addiction. That's when I get into trouble. I simply don't care that I'm doing something that is wrong. I want those feelings of masturbation. And I want others to tell me that I'm worthless and there only for them to use, because then I'm not an actual person with a family, with friends, with dreams. Instead, I'm just some thing that is there for their pleasure, and all that matters is that I get pleasure out of it too.

I know that I am a daughter of God, and so I let others talk to me like I'm trash, so that I don't remember that.

And I like it. I like being called a 'whore' and a 'slut' and other such things. Because then I'm not really me, but just what they say I am. I'm not accountable for what I do when I'm the things that they call me. And they never know my real name. It's just the names that they give me, that don't have anything to do with me when I'm not there with them.

What a lie--a grand lie.

And I believe it.

No, maybe I don't really believe it, but I pretend that I do. Again, another way that I'm not accountable.

But I really am, aren't I? Sometimes I feel like I'm possessed, when I'm giving in to my addiction, but I couldn't feel that way if I didn't allow it to happen. My addiction is my own fault. I led myself right into it, so slowly that I didn't notice the changes that were overcoming me. My family didn't notice either. How could they, when everyone thought that I was such a good girl? Who could have seen it coming? How do you recognize the warning signs when you don't know what they are? I don't blame my family for my addiction, anymore than I blame myself.

Yes, it is my fault that I read stories that I shouldn't have. But I don't blame myself.

There is a difference.

I did blame myself, for the longest time. And with that blame came hatred. I despised who I was and what I had done. I hated myself more and more, each time that I went back to pornography, but it was also that hatred towards myself that helped to draw me back in.

A few months ago, I had a breakdown. I cried and cried and felt depressed and awful and cried some more. But what came out of that mess was forgiveness. I stopped blaming myself for what had happened; I forgave myself.

It's my fault that I'm addicted to pornography, but I do not blame myself anymore for it.

That difference is very important.

I had a close call just now, with slipping back into the depths of my addiction, but I pulled myself out before that could happen.

What's important is that I don't slip back again. I need to take things one day at a time, one hour at a time. I can't let my guard down, but I don't have to do this on my own. It's hard, remembering that, but if I just turn to others, then I can make it through this.