I know why. It's because I sent in my secret to a website a little over a week ago. It was posted up yesterday, and I didn't recieve the kinds of comments that I thought I was going to get (not that I sent it in for the comments, but instead because sometimes it's just so hard to hold it all in). Instead, the majority of the comments were telling me that what I was doing wasn't wrong, just that I had been taught how to do it wrong, and that's why I feel so worthless much of the time.
I didn't send in my secret about my addiction and what I had done in order for people to tell me that I was doing nothing wrong.
And it kind of hurts, that only one person really wrote about having hope and that I could get out of this. If it wasn't for that one comment, I would totally regret sending the secret in.
It hurts, that I'm struggling so hard to overcome this problem and then others go and tell me that I'm not doing anything wrong. It's like saying that my whole struggle is worthless.
It’s like being an ‘F’ student, but then struggling so hard to reach that ‘A’, only to be told after lots of hardship and struggle that an ‘F’ is just as good as an ‘A’. It makes the whole struggle worthless.
Why try to stop doing something when it isn't wrong? Isn't that what the devil would say?
“Woe unto them that call evil good, and good evil; that put darkness for light, and light for darkness; that put bitter for sweet, and sweet for bitter!”
- Isaiah 5:20
Isn’t this what that is? Sex is not meant to be distorted like this, but is a sacred act that should be only between a man and a wife. But the world really doesn’t see things this way anymore, and there’s even some out there who thing that the evilness of pornography is actually a good thing.
I know what pornography has done in my own life—it’s destroyed it, and it’s made me feel even more worthless than I already am. When I relapse, I like feeling worthless. It’s what I thrive on. Then I can forget that it’s me, myself, that is doing it. But that doesn’t keep my addiction from affecting all layers of me. I’m afraid to ever have sex, even after married, because it’s been so distorted for me, since I was fifteen, or maybe it was even fourteen.
I’m nineteen now, almost twenty.
That means I’ve spent five, six years of my life fighting against the pull of pornography.
It’s not a waste of time. I feel so much happier when I’m not doing thing that I shouldn’t be doing. I’m not going to give in, just because evil is now being called good. I’ll still fight, even if it takes me the rest of my life.
Still, it doesn’t stop the comments from hurting.
And one person said that if he was my boyfriend, that he would never forgive me. That scares me. What if my own boyfriend is that way, when he finds out the whole truth? He knows of my addiction, but he doesn’t know what I’ve done. Still, I have to tell him everything, and just trust in the Lord that everything will work out in the end.
This struggle is worth it, no matter what the world says, or the devil.
When you feel an urge to do that stuff, instead of giving in, read Gods word. It will make u feel so much more fulfilled and much less empty. Pornography can destroy you, but Gods word will build you up and help you in the healing process. You are not fighting for nothing, you are fighting for something. For your life back, so that you can find happiness and feel worthwhile and valuable.
ReplyDeleteAs for your boyfriend, if he is the right man for you, then he will be there for you and help you through this. He will hold you accountable and try to help. God has the perfect man for your life. If this boy is that man, then he WILL be there for you regardless. I know it is hard to tell this to someone, but when he knows I think it will make it much easier for you to be able to overcome this addiction and to move forward.